how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
