I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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