You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
