People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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