what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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