bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
