Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
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