My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
