I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Do you have feelings for this penis?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize