i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
