is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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