He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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