Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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