I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
