My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
