i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
