After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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