I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
