oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
