i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
