can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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