When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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