Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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