It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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