my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
