Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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