btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
