You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
