I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Randomize
