We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
