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his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
