Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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