I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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