i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
