i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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