WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
