Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
