hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
