Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
