I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
