I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
