Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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