i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
