The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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