***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize