I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
