i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
