Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
