When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
