I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
