I can feel you judging me through the phone.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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