You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You're breaking my sexual little heart
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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