I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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