I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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