i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
