glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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