Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
