My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
