Life is so much better after having sex.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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