I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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