piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
