WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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