My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
